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What it's like to be British

Wednesday 17th July 2019

Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

Being unable ...to stand and leave without first saying “right”

Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home

The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

“Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

“You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

“I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

Interestingly our International Clients LOVE British Recruiters! Not sure it's for these reasons though! If you are an Agency Recruiter (any level up to senior Management) looking to move to the USA, Hong Kong, Singapore, Australia, Dubai, Canada, Germany or Holland Call/WhatsApp/Text Ruth 24/7 on 07970 840061 or email ruth@ruthmoran.co.uk